Choose.

Wenjie: "have u always wonder life is like a long journey of travelling on roads with many junctions.. once u make ur decision and turn left.. there is no turning back.. it is like u can't and won't noe what happens if u turn right ...... it's like the movie Sliding Doors.. then i feel like kind of regret... i do wanna see wat happens if i turn right instead? but then i will neber noe?"

I: "...... cant have your cake and eat it, coz just not possible, ....... it's ok to fantasize, but logically speaking, you CANNOT know what both roads will turn out one coz you can only choose one fork"

Wenjie: "yeah.. but then one can't help keep having this nagging feeling that wat if i had made another decision instead? esp at those major junctions in ur life"

Another one of those midnight soul-searching, except it was more toe-dipping for me, too damn zonked out from sleep deprivation to dive into it. Sorry, kor :-)

But now, I'm awake. I'm awake :-)

It is one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall. - Shakespeare

We spend so much of our lives choosing; choice is essential to life and living. Even if we are hard-wired to gravitate towards certain behaviour, e.g. man gawks at woman with big tits, woman drawn to big and strong man (read: man can provide for family), most of us have the capacity to choose and decide our final course of action.

There are the big decisions, which may takes years, days or just seconds (e.g. life and death situations): drop the bear like hot bricks or "allow" him to see other women; complete my MA or ask for "compassionate leave" or just drop out; grovel because I hurt my friend's feelings or demand he apologise for being an asshole; continue complaining about work or be grateful that I'm gainfully employed and just wait for the bitchy ones to grow old and ugly *evil smirk*; wallow in negativity or be at peace with myself; etc.

And then there are the small, but nonetheless, consequential decisions: have dinner with SF or go home; what to have for dinner; show my naughty side (and SF's!!!) to fish no. 2 or ignore his SMS; Godiva Irish Creme or Creme Brulee; it's past 11am, wake up now or sleep somemore; what to write about choice; do I use "and so on" or "etc"; etc.

I wonder how many people think about or realise the significance of "choosing".

Each Door 1 opened is another Door 2 closed (or perhaps, just unopened), and there is no turning back. Even if we later found ourselves standing before that closed Door 2 again, we have already "missed" that earlier point in time when we had made a choice to open Door 1. In other words, we can choose to open Door 2 LATER, but the circumstances will not be the same as before. Given what we already know or have gone through because we opened Door 1, we might not now want to open Door 2.

Anyway, even if we had opened Door 2 instead -- wouldn't we then wonder what if we had opened Door 1? So, we still find ourselves asking, "What if?". We can't have our cake and eat it too, because it's a metaphysical impossibility. We must be prepared to live with the choices we make, whether consciously so, or otherwise.

Now, say we could turn back time. Who's to say we would have opened Door 2, ceteris paribus, i.e. we return to our earlier state of mind and conditions. We might STILL have made the SAME choice, based on the circumstances then.

"Master of Past and Present!" Raistlin laughed hollowly -- bitter, mocking laughter. "I am Master of nothing! All this power, and I am trapped! Trapped! Following in his footsteps, knowing that every second that passes has passed before! I see people I've never seen, yet I know them! I hear the echo of my own words before I speak them! This face!" His hands pressed against his cheeks. "This face! His face! Not mine! Not mine! Who am I? I am my own executioner!"
[War of the Twins, Legends Vol. 2 - Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman]

What if choice, as we understand it, is nothing but an illusion?

So, is there any point to thinking about the "what ifs"? I think about the "what ifs" all the time. But I also think it's important not to become so obssessd about the "what ifs" that you live your life full of regrets. Make a choice and move on. Who knows, maybe that choice, even if "wrong", would have taught us more about ourselves, then if we had made the "right" choice. Perhaps, there is no such thing as a "better" choice.

Afterthought:
I guess the bear decided he just had to take that other fork, even if it meant no turning back. Because he just had to know, and he won't know unless he tried. And he wasn't the only one who made a choice. I made my choice, too.

Sadly faceless.

It started with an unusual message a couple of nights ago.

And then the next morning, while talking to someone from work, I came to a sudden and surprising realisation.

I remember reading about the first doctor to fall, and feeling sad that youth can be just as fragile, as is love and the bond between a man and a woman. I remember thinking it must be terribly traumatic for the young woman, whom he was to have married in a few months, and she was reported to have "gone into seclusion". I remember how my heart ached for him, for her, for both of them, and my eyes welled up as I read the news.

Until then, she was just a faceless representation of that fragility.

I now know she's an ex-colleague. And it felt so weird, because frankly speaking, I've never been close to her. She was just someone whom I had to share office space with. So, my earlier reactions seemed excessive, and almost intrusive. I felt conflicting emotions within. But as I again thought about the young doctor and his fiance, the same sadness rippled through me.

Then I had to call her, about work, which would have been OK -- except work concerned her recent loss. And when her voice broke, so did mine.

I know that it is not sympathy that I feel for someone I know. Because sadness doesn't need a face.

Last words

So having SARS is not a death sentence (though an inevitable recession doesn't exactly make for happy living either). But being infected is NOW no longer a distant possibility or imaginings of a paranoid mind.

Have been thinking hard about my last words, or things that I should or would like to get done. Just in case, you know. Actually, I do think about such things occasionally, especially after reading heart-wrenching accounts, like September 11 victims calling their loved ones to say "I love you."

Well, I thought of Sean first. (Old habits die hard.) And I realised that I've nothing more to say to him that hasn't already been said before. And really, there's nothing left of my heart to give when I'd already decided in our last year together that he was The One (the operative word here being "was"). Perhaps, on my death bed, as the light fades from my eyes, he would be one of my life's definitive moments, a new guiding light to carry with me into the unknown. And that's about it. No regrets there. No regrets getting together. No regrets loving him. No regrets breaking up.

My family, whom I've never really felt that close to, but have actually spent more time with since the big break-up last year. And with the addition of Xena, I feel as if the family has been brought closer, again. It's heartwarming to see and know this.

Close friends? Just SF. And I've only this to say: keep the good times rolling, while we still can :-)

Come to think of it, there is nothing that I REALLY want to say or REALLY want to do.

Well, except for the pang of regret this afternoon, as I read the latest MOH circular on healthcare workers being discouraged to circulate with those from other hospitals; and who knows, soon enough, maybe even with non-HCWs? I wish I hadn't been such a chicken when the fish tried to get my attention. Argh. Guess I'll just have to vent all this into my collaborative wu xia xiao shuo with SF. Aaarrrggghhh.

Guan Xi.

Figured I shouldn't be such a stubborn cow about some things. No matter what I feel, or dislike, or think, about some people, there can be value to what they say or are, even if they are lacking in other departments of their lives. Am trying to tell myself that there can be things to learn. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

So I've been trying really hard to be nice, sweet, smiley, concerned, enthusiastic, friendly, during the past couple of months -- just hope I don't choke on the sugar OD. For a while, some people at work didn't know how to react to me (where I sit, you don't usually see my face until I turn around to acknowledge your presence), especially the ones I dislike, who found themselves greeted with an open smiling face. And so I learnt the power of a disarming smile and the endearing schoolgirl giggle, and how they sometimes got you what you want, by the "unprofessional" way. And hey, it was good MF while it lasted. Heh.

On another note, work contacts are slowly warming up to me. They usually ask to speak with R, because she's often their first point of contact, and certainly more approachable. Used to feel a bit unhappy about it, but sometimes, it works out, like when I've got to be the "bad guy".

Still, drawing a line between work and pleasure remains an important working principle for me. Hanging out after office hours is usually not an option -- not unless I like you AND you show that you are interested to know me as a friend. (Indeed, I've made one exception recently, by inviting her to my birthday dinner.)

You can say I'm skeptical, but sometimes, don't you get the feeling that a lot of friendly banter is just a superficial show? Maybe that's why I don't count many people as my friends. The mere suggestion of insincerity turns me off quickly. To me, the biggest mistake would be to jump on the outward show of friendliness too readily, take it at face value, and thus let down your guard too easily. Personal issues are only to share with friends -- NOT with colleagues and business contacts. Afterall, if you can understand the need for "guan xi" to further your own agenda, surely you wouldn't expect the other party, who also engages in "guan xi", to not use it against you? Worse still, if they hold you at ransom instead, because they realise that they can.

In any case, making someone a friend so that you can use him for business, or for anything else, is not ethical in my books. (Well, not usually lah.)

Motley crew.

Flipping through a colleague's wedding album, tried to figure out the faces of her "sisters", and those of her husband's "brothers". Was wondering about the kind of friends she hung out with, especially those close enough, to have been chosen as "sisters" and "brothers". Thought her "sisters" looked like girls next door, kinda sweet, one of them reminded me of Edna, tall and slim with refined features. As for his "brothers", like him, all had a construction worker look, worker bee sort. Heh. Actually, I thought the husband looked like someone -- which is weird, when I think about how the girl always seems to be at loggerheads with the female lookalike of her husband. Heh. Heh.

Then, I wondered about my own motley crew of "sisters"; and what people would, by association, think of me. Think I would want faces that each exude their own brand of charisma and attitude. No nondescript, blah faces (i.e. guai lan is better than lau lan), thank you very much.

I guess if everyone had unique facial features, or even a unique combination, the world population wouldn't be as high. So, it's certainly easy to find resemblances everywhere we look. And some faces are more common than others (like mine) -- if you think you've just seen me somewhere, don't just make eye contact and hope I'll acknowledge you, it may just be my lookalike who thinks you're trying to be funny. Laugh!

- - - - - - - - - -

roddy: who's the fish btw?
i: fish lor, one head 2 gills 1 tail hehe

Go fish, Roddy.

SF was telling me about someone whose ex used to be some NUS Manhunt winner, except that she didn't seem too happy, and was always looking out for other girls while she was with him.. Honestly, looking at her, I couldn't tell (that her ex won the Manhunt). But I guess it's true that some guys are like the proverbial cat who will not reject the fish placed before them, that they will take whatever lands in their lap, or in her case, perhaps whoever had been most persistent in the pursuit.

SF said something which made a lot of sense: if the girl did the pursuing, she may never know how much the guy liked her. Or in other words, you can tell how much, by the effort he put into pursuing his object of affection. So, nevermind the emancipated female, the overturning of traditional structures, and the guy who tells you it's flattering to be pursued by a female, some things are still done better when they're done the "old" way.

Of course, any suggestions in this department of my life are most welcome ;-D

Lessons.

So, let's go back to an earlier post on the Age of Pisces.

The time has come when events and unresolved issues would, and MUST be resolved, forcefully if need be. So, there's the Iraq war and the Congo massacres. Closer to home, we had the 3 crimes of passion, occurring back-to-back. And of course, who can forget SARS -- healthcare workers are beginning to realise and understand their true calling in life and the meaning of true nobility. Don't quite know exactly how SARS relates to Singaporeans directly -- all I can say from my own very limited perspective, is this: human nature at its best, and worst. The "new" things I'm learning about the people around me each day would make for an engrossing theatre play, almost. Certainly, there're lessons to be learnt here, about ourselves.

Well then, on an individual level, do you have a personal issue which you haven't resolved?

- - - - - - - - - -

Some time ago, SF asked me what I thought I wanted most in life. After a lot of thought, I figured (am still not sure, actually) "courage". Courage, to have, and to do what my heart desired, at the moment of reckoning.

That conversation popped into my head, as I stepped into the house after work ended at midnight, lost in my thoughts. If I hadn't been so stoned, would probably have kicked myself for being a chicken -- was too shy to return his looks. I wonder if "the fish" is getting mixed signals from me.

But perhaps, it's not enough to know courage. Fishing is about patience too, yes?

Unabridged.

I refer to Kelvin Tong's article on "Fear factor is infectious" (ST, 1 April 2003).

I too share his view that society has been slow, if reactive at all, to unite against the SARS crisis. Indeed, this adversity has brought out the best and worse in human nature.

With each passing day, I see that we are not just fighting a viral infection -- we are also fighting our own human follies: greed, selfishness and pride.

In some places, there are already black markets for crucial medical supplies, such as masks. People are being held hostage by commercial interests. Even when help comes along, sometimes, the beneficiaries suspect an ulterior (commercial) motive. But can we blame them?

For those of us who are already doing our "civic duty" to help contain the SARS outbreak, do we truly do it for the greater good, and out of the goodness of our hearts?

I am truly saddened to see chest-thumpers flaunting and fighting to perform their "civic duties", jostling for recognition, and berating the lack of appreciation -- not that a good deed should not be appreciated.

And then there are those on their moral pedestals, proclaiming to represent the greater good, and who eagerly seize on the closest opportunity to make themselves heard in the press or to visit vengeance on those less "proactive" than they are.

Even as a call is made for everyone to find strength in unity, some of us have found ourselves fighting not only SARS, but also our own fellow men. There are those who ridicule and even ostracise others who do not share their approach to the crisis, like whether there is a need to mask up in public.

True courage and nobility is being at the front line, in the hospitals and neighbourhood clinics -- not shooting off one's mouth from the safety of one's armchair. The true heroes are the doctors and nurses, who have put their own lives (and that of their families) on the line, and are fighting hard as a team, for the lives of the SARS patients, and to contain the spread of the disease in the community.

True, each and every one of us must still do our civic duties, however small. But let us not presume, nor make ourselves out to be greater than the true warriors in this battle.